monkeys are getting it on!!!!!!

even monkey's love mountain dew

in the dark and luscious jungles immediately surrounding the sprawling metropolis of the hotmen colony, lives a strange yet compelling tribe of amazingly humanoid primates. once a dwindling species, they now have made an astounding resurgence so that today you can find at least one pair of these creatures procreating on about every procreatable surface in the jungle.

zoologists at the hotmen colony have meticulously documented the daily habits of this species identified by their scientific name, paniwarakas humpalotacus. as a result of diligent note taking and many toilet breaks behind bushes, we now know the habits of this wonderful yet strangely disturbing creature. males and females take on different forms with the female being the flashier of the pair, in contrast to the rest of the animal planet (for all the humpalots reading, example - peacock).


ralph fienne's cat mr. bojangles getting a hug from fienne's pet humpalot, cecilia.

an interesting bit of trivia about p.humpalotacus is that its mating call sounds a lot like "anneeeeyraveeeeeeleeeettttssdooooeet", which at one point misled the scientists to assume that it had near humanoid intelligence. however today they have realised that the female of the species is generally slower on the uptake and is taken to fits of hysteria at regular intervals for no particular reason. she is however adorable and to this day many good looking citizens of the hot men colony own their very own pet paniwarakas humpalotacus, and some of the more persuasive even manage to toilet train them.


a happy pair of humpalots

as a result of their non stop reproductive habits, the p. humpalotacus is no longer on the hotmen colony endangered animal watchlist. the management would like to encourage citizens to adopt and care for their very own humpalot.

one of the esteemed, most reverend, awfully good looking directors with her very own humpalot also told the writer that the only way to befriend a humpalot without doing it, is to feed it copious amounts of sangria. "it works everytime" she said.

germ alert!!!!!!

cheerleaders who contracted Mostlycontagious Junaidiaisis

Exclusive and Beautiful members of the colony have recently been forced to flee as the disturbing news of a deadly bacteria infecting their popular watering holes and communal gatherings broke. Unverified (and possibly not quite right in the head) sources say this bacteria is extremely harmful in spite of its misleading and bonny facade.

Hysterical giggling, an unquenchable thirst for Sake and an inexplicable desire to play frivolous games in public places are said to be symptoms induced by these germs.

Extensive scientific research conducted at the premier Top Secret Laboratory tucked away in the Hindu Kush has shown that this bacteria usually presents itself as a pair and also possesses a hitherto confined to B grade Sci-Fi films, ability to clone itself. Dr. Yin Yophace Beaches of the Top Secret Laboratory elaborated but we were unable to understand due to the HazMat suit covering his face.

Dr. Yin Yophace Beaches and colleague attempting to communicate

Mostlycontagious Junadiaisis or 'MJ' as its is more commonly known among the scientific community is extremely contagious and is likely to reach pandemic proportions with the latest case reported in Thailand.

Scientists warn that despite its benign appearance the bacteria is lethal and only Pynol or copious amounts of vodka based cocktails will slow its spread. The Hot Men Colony Expert Medical Fast Action Panadol team advice residents both hot and not so hot to stock up and use these items indiscriminately if they wish to remain safe.

The Directors have taken it upon themselves to be an example to the rest of the colony and were seen late this evening unconscious next to three empty bottles of Petroff Vodka and a carton of Tomato Juice.

Kidnapped!!!!!

The Colony has been shocked to learn that Jared Leto, acclaimed member and distinguished Don Juan has been taken hostage by a deranged fan in a desperate bid to influence the Directors of the Colony. A jihad style hostage video in a dark, damp dungeon has been released to the media featuring a frantic Mr Leto, sans eyeliner, desperately shouting "please help me, she's threatening to sing again!"

Private Investigators hired by the Colony reported that the suspect, Miss Popular Streaker is behind this desperate act. One might remember Miss Popular Streaker from the repeated distractions caused at cricket matches while she throws off her clothes and runs across the field trying to hug the silly mid off. The most recent incident at the Ashes was rumoured to be the reason Australia lost to a bunch of Pansy English Ninnies.

Her plan to slowly torture Mr LEto by repeatedly singing "I'm not okay", with nothing but the help of a boombox and a karaoke mic may have a significant long term psychological impact on him we are told by an eminent psychologist who wished to remain anonnymous and who is also secret sympathiser of the Emo Movement. It could seriously limit his vocabulary to something as unfortunate as '30secondstomars 30secondstomars' she told us.

The Colony have been informed that Ms P.Streaker has demanded that Emo Boys be allowed membership in the Colony in exchange for the release of Mr. Leto. She is reputed to have screamed, "what you're doing is HotMen Apartheid" at the end of the Jihad style video clip.

The Hot Men Directors weren't available for comment as they were getting their daily massages (by hot men) but their harried PR lady, told us that they weren't planning on giving in to Miss Streaker as they were both a little tired of Mr. Leto's melodramatic ways. She also told us that in place of Mr. Leto there is to be an exciting new addition (and it was in no way influenced by one of the directors' penchant for having him singing in her ear) in the form of Scottish crooner Paolo Nutini. The PR lady told us that she was confident that in time residents will forget about this whole unfortunate incident and everything will be peachy again.

We hope she's right. We'd hate to have to cover an uprising of people burning effigies of the directors while eyeliner streams down their faces. That's SO Emo.

Look who's feeling MURDEROUS!!!!!!

Notable dignitary,and the Favourite Hunk of the colony, Javier Bardem was recently spotted skulking around dangerously with his favourite "No Country for Old Men" prop famously used to dispose of irritating vagrants. Further investigation revealed that his long time live in sweetheart, Miss D. Daliances has been repeatedly spotted canoodling on midnight Frozen Yoghurt runs with none other than the notoriously crazy John Mayer.

Mr. Bardem is reported to have confronted the two about the situation and had completely lost his temper when Mr Mayer mistakenly tried to calm him down by breaking out into a soulful rendition of "Your Body Is A Wonderland". Tsk Tsk, Mr. Mayer, that was so last year.

This merely induced Mr. Bardem to grab his Oxygen Tank-Silencer-Airgun and aim it at Mr. Mayer shouting "enough is enough you vermh!" (vermh=worm in sexyspanishaccent). Mr. Mayer was later seen by several witnesses running away in to the sunset (or what he thought was the sunset, but was instead an oncoming container truck). Mr Bardem, then sure of his D.Daliances undivided attention, disposed of the airgun and went back to being the handsome hero we all know.

Charges will not be made against Mr. Bardem, the Directors of the HotMen Colony said, because he's very very Good Looking.

Wannabe Damsel Waltzes into Town!!!!!!

In another fanatical episode following a series of similar deranged attempts, an obsessed fan was spotted loitering behind the Cadju Puhulan tree outside Colony Headquarters today. We have been told the fan, identified as Mister MaryJane, has been spotted obsessively following Toby Maguire, an eminent dignitary of the Colony and besieging him with requests to persuade the Colony to reconsider his already thrice rejected application.
Having followed Mr Maguire back to headquarters, the consumed fan then began handing out these Glamour shots of himself to passers-by and visitors. Mister MaryJane was later seen skipping away to the tune of "the hills are alive".

Mr Mguire is reported to be extremely annoyed at being repeatedly stalked by masculine MaryJanes. "This has got to stop", he screamed, "next time I see those buggers I will shoot them with my BB gun".

The Directors could not be reached for an official statement on the matter on account of them being too busy with whiskey and George Clooney. Who can blame them, if we had whiskey and George Clooney, you wouldn't be reading this either.

Joseph Fiennes (is a) Rock!!!!!

The latest ina long line of atrocities committed by the Super Villainess Formerly Known As Medusa, Joseph Fiennes of the Fiennes Brothers Trapeze act, was found half turned in to stone and carefully hidden away in the kitchen, behind the recycling bin at the vile sorceress's flat in London. Attempts at reviving Mr Fiennes ("call me Jo-Bro") was futile as a vigorous shaking merely resulted in his falling over and losing a chunk of his right arm. Mr Fiennes was a respected member of the Hotmen Colony before he was turned in to a half stoney life form, ogled and appreciated by many. The board of directors are yet to determine if a non flesh and blood Joseph Fiennes is an acceptable substitute to the real thing. Reports from inside the offices of the directors sounded vaguely like they were debating this issue most seriously. Screams sounding like "what about the dunda? What about the goddamn dunda?" was heard by the bystanders outside. The matter is yet to be resolved, we trust the directors to come up with a suitable compromise. We were emailed this picture by Unknown Source, Medusa's publicist, she thought it would make a great wallpaper. As if a wallpaper could possibly make up for the loss of a flesh and blood Jo-Bro. Medusa, you should be ashamed.

Health Scare!!!!!

A new addition to the Hotmen Colony, Mr Hayden Christiansen, has been willfully ignoring all health and safety protocol in the colony and has been seen on numerous occasions taking his pet pig out and about in town. Despite numerous requests Mr Christiensen refuses to make his pet pig wear a mask for the safety of many in these harsh times, what with the spread of Swine Flu reaching Pandemic proportions and all. When we confronted him while he was out shopping for food at the exclusive Good Looking Farmers Market with his current squeeze and star of P. Diddy's music videos, Little M. Sunshine and his pet pig, who's name we have withheld for privacy purposes, he simply shrugged and shouted "DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY BITCHES" and threw dirty Leeks at us. As if that wasn't bad enough L.M. Sunshine waved a baguette and screamed "would you let YOUR babies wear MASKS???" and proceeded to burst in to tears.
Luckily for Mr Christiensen, he has boyish good looks and sparkling blue eyes and when he speaks sweet music plays in our ears. Otherwise we would have had him flogged for sure. Beware Mr Christiensen, we all grow old and although chances of you looking distiguished in old age are high, there still is a small chance you might end up looking like Mickey Rourke in spandex (shudder) and THEN we'll see who'll throw dirty Leeks in who'se face.