Kidnapped!!!!!

The Colony has been shocked to learn that Jared Leto, acclaimed member and distinguished Don Juan has been taken hostage by a deranged fan in a desperate bid to influence the Directors of the Colony. A jihad style hostage video in a dark, damp dungeon has been released to the media featuring a frantic Mr Leto, sans eyeliner, desperately shouting "please help me, she's threatening to sing again!"

Private Investigators hired by the Colony reported that the suspect, Miss Popular Streaker is behind this desperate act. One might remember Miss Popular Streaker from the repeated distractions caused at cricket matches while she throws off her clothes and runs across the field trying to hug the silly mid off. The most recent incident at the Ashes was rumoured to be the reason Australia lost to a bunch of Pansy English Ninnies.

Her plan to slowly torture Mr LEto by repeatedly singing "I'm not okay", with nothing but the help of a boombox and a karaoke mic may have a significant long term psychological impact on him we are told by an eminent psychologist who wished to remain anonnymous and who is also secret sympathiser of the Emo Movement. It could seriously limit his vocabulary to something as unfortunate as '30secondstomars 30secondstomars' she told us.

The Colony have been informed that Ms P.Streaker has demanded that Emo Boys be allowed membership in the Colony in exchange for the release of Mr. Leto. She is reputed to have screamed, "what you're doing is HotMen Apartheid" at the end of the Jihad style video clip.

The Hot Men Directors weren't available for comment as they were getting their daily massages (by hot men) but their harried PR lady, told us that they weren't planning on giving in to Miss Streaker as they were both a little tired of Mr. Leto's melodramatic ways. She also told us that in place of Mr. Leto there is to be an exciting new addition (and it was in no way influenced by one of the directors' penchant for having him singing in her ear) in the form of Scottish crooner Paolo Nutini. The PR lady told us that she was confident that in time residents will forget about this whole unfortunate incident and everything will be peachy again.

We hope she's right. We'd hate to have to cover an uprising of people burning effigies of the directors while eyeliner streams down their faces. That's SO Emo.

Look who's feeling MURDEROUS!!!!!!

Notable dignitary,and the Favourite Hunk of the colony, Javier Bardem was recently spotted skulking around dangerously with his favourite "No Country for Old Men" prop famously used to dispose of irritating vagrants. Further investigation revealed that his long time live in sweetheart, Miss D. Daliances has been repeatedly spotted canoodling on midnight Frozen Yoghurt runs with none other than the notoriously crazy John Mayer.

Mr. Bardem is reported to have confronted the two about the situation and had completely lost his temper when Mr Mayer mistakenly tried to calm him down by breaking out into a soulful rendition of "Your Body Is A Wonderland". Tsk Tsk, Mr. Mayer, that was so last year.

This merely induced Mr. Bardem to grab his Oxygen Tank-Silencer-Airgun and aim it at Mr. Mayer shouting "enough is enough you vermh!" (vermh=worm in sexyspanishaccent). Mr. Mayer was later seen by several witnesses running away in to the sunset (or what he thought was the sunset, but was instead an oncoming container truck). Mr Bardem, then sure of his D.Daliances undivided attention, disposed of the airgun and went back to being the handsome hero we all know.

Charges will not be made against Mr. Bardem, the Directors of the HotMen Colony said, because he's very very Good Looking.

Wannabe Damsel Waltzes into Town!!!!!!

In another fanatical episode following a series of similar deranged attempts, an obsessed fan was spotted loitering behind the Cadju Puhulan tree outside Colony Headquarters today. We have been told the fan, identified as Mister MaryJane, has been spotted obsessively following Toby Maguire, an eminent dignitary of the Colony and besieging him with requests to persuade the Colony to reconsider his already thrice rejected application.
Having followed Mr Maguire back to headquarters, the consumed fan then began handing out these Glamour shots of himself to passers-by and visitors. Mister MaryJane was later seen skipping away to the tune of "the hills are alive".

Mr Mguire is reported to be extremely annoyed at being repeatedly stalked by masculine MaryJanes. "This has got to stop", he screamed, "next time I see those buggers I will shoot them with my BB gun".

The Directors could not be reached for an official statement on the matter on account of them being too busy with whiskey and George Clooney. Who can blame them, if we had whiskey and George Clooney, you wouldn't be reading this either.

Joseph Fiennes (is a) Rock!!!!!

The latest ina long line of atrocities committed by the Super Villainess Formerly Known As Medusa, Joseph Fiennes of the Fiennes Brothers Trapeze act, was found half turned in to stone and carefully hidden away in the kitchen, behind the recycling bin at the vile sorceress's flat in London. Attempts at reviving Mr Fiennes ("call me Jo-Bro") was futile as a vigorous shaking merely resulted in his falling over and losing a chunk of his right arm. Mr Fiennes was a respected member of the Hotmen Colony before he was turned in to a half stoney life form, ogled and appreciated by many. The board of directors are yet to determine if a non flesh and blood Joseph Fiennes is an acceptable substitute to the real thing. Reports from inside the offices of the directors sounded vaguely like they were debating this issue most seriously. Screams sounding like "what about the dunda? What about the goddamn dunda?" was heard by the bystanders outside. The matter is yet to be resolved, we trust the directors to come up with a suitable compromise. We were emailed this picture by Unknown Source, Medusa's publicist, she thought it would make a great wallpaper. As if a wallpaper could possibly make up for the loss of a flesh and blood Jo-Bro. Medusa, you should be ashamed.

Health Scare!!!!!

A new addition to the Hotmen Colony, Mr Hayden Christiansen, has been willfully ignoring all health and safety protocol in the colony and has been seen on numerous occasions taking his pet pig out and about in town. Despite numerous requests Mr Christiensen refuses to make his pet pig wear a mask for the safety of many in these harsh times, what with the spread of Swine Flu reaching Pandemic proportions and all. When we confronted him while he was out shopping for food at the exclusive Good Looking Farmers Market with his current squeeze and star of P. Diddy's music videos, Little M. Sunshine and his pet pig, who's name we have withheld for privacy purposes, he simply shrugged and shouted "DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY BITCHES" and threw dirty Leeks at us. As if that wasn't bad enough L.M. Sunshine waved a baguette and screamed "would you let YOUR babies wear MASKS???" and proceeded to burst in to tears.
Luckily for Mr Christiensen, he has boyish good looks and sparkling blue eyes and when he speaks sweet music plays in our ears. Otherwise we would have had him flogged for sure. Beware Mr Christiensen, we all grow old and although chances of you looking distiguished in old age are high, there still is a small chance you might end up looking like Mickey Rourke in spandex (shudder) and THEN we'll see who'll throw dirty Leeks in who'se face.

Unidentified Jihadist Jedi tries to lob off Ewan McGregors head in fit of Jealous Rage!!!!!!

Yesterday a horific attempt was made on the life of a preeminent member of The Hotmen Colony by a member of the leftist Jihad Jedi movement. Ewan McGregor, also known as Jedi master Obi Wan Kenobi, was minding his business, whistling as he sashayed provocatively down the street when an unidentified Jihadist Jedi ambushed him by jumping out in front of him, brandishing his saber and screeching “pull out your lightsaber fool!”. The startled Mr Mcgregor's flawless combat skills quickly kicked into gear as he pulled out his lightsaber and quickly whipped the deranged fanatic's giggling little behind. Sources inform us that the Jihad's jealous rage over McGregor's exclusive membership in The Colony prompted this deperate fiasco as the Jihad's application is known to have been rejected for failing to meet the Colony's distinguished standards.

Listen up you demented wannabe, this is not the way to do it, spend a couple of years in therapy, and then we'll think about it.

Until then, application: DENIED!!!!

Hollywood Magpie: EXPOSED!!!!!!

former child star Bonnie Andclyde (Alufukus Pissofficus), who has stolen the top spot in the Official HotmanColony Party girl poll from Paris Hilton, has an ulterior motive behind her celeb hobnobbing habits. Turns out the starlet, who has been spotted at all of Hollywood's A-List events is the Robin Hood of Hollywood!!! Miss Andclyde has perfected the technique of ensuring her fellow teen stars are suitably totaled and befuddled before she makes off with their shinies without the poor sods every knowing who when where or how. Imagine our surprise when our observant aunties took this shot at a recent party held in honour of Paris Hilton's 729th Sex tape going public.
Of course we had to share!!
....and incidently, what do you think our prodigy does with all this pilfered loot? Auction them off on ebay? Add them to her vast collection of bronze statuettes? Stash them in a safety deposit box as collatarol?
NO! she runs off and gives them to her favourite charities (e.g. Virginmary halfway home for underage drinkers) as annonymous donations.
Bless your heart Bonnie Andclyde, all thanks to you - another underage drinker: SAVED

The Nigella of Lionel Edirisingha Mawatha

After a brief stint as a spoilt brat, The Nigella has emerged from her chrysallis as a fully grown and fully capable domestic goddess. Eye witnesses say that The Nigella (Latin name: Daddypoocus Giftusplentius) most often seen in the cold wintry climes of Middle England has migrated south for the summer and is seen at watering holes all around the Lionel Edirisingha area. If the observer is lucky The Nigella, who is not known for her shy and retiring nature will flit around you and cry "howmuchdoesapandaweeeeiigghhh howmuchdoesapandaweeeeiiighhhh". The Nigella sightings are common and will be plentiful over the next three to four months. Observers are warned not to feed the The Nigella bullshit as she can turn aggressive and go gangsta on yo ass. So as long as you maintain respectable silence The Nigella is as sweet as the seeni sambol she claims to make so well. Enjoy The Nigella season people.

Look who's getting DIRTY!!!!!

While we were out and about in town, attending to our hobbies, like ladies of leisure usually do, we came upon the most astonishing sight. Jude Law, lover of nannies and bit part actor, pottering about with another man's wife!!! So we did what any respectable person with a camera phone would do, we managed to capture this most shocking picture while hiding behind the curtains. That Titanic theme song was playing on repeat in the background and the Lady - who we now know as Mrs. Ramanayaka seemed to be playfully eating bits of Jude Law's face.
The Randy Duo was seen exiting the establishment a couple of hours later. Sources close to Mrs. Ramanayaka say that Mrs. Ramanayaka's relationship with Mr. Ramanayaka is not in jeapordy, AND that in fact they both share valuable Pottery time with Mr. Law and that the couple have a close personal relationship with him.
Mr. Law was not available for comment, but his publicist, Pineapple Daiquiri said that "Jude has a whole lotta love". We don't know what the fine print of the Ramanayaka marriage contract says, but sitting around moulding a phallic object while eating the face of a handsome (yet tragically unappealing) Englishman is bound to put a spanner in the works. Oh Dear. We really hope we haven't caused the Ramanayakas' any problems...

SPOTTED!!!!

Riding in to the sunset, Ralph Fiennes, noted thespian and notorious sex addict was seen, flying by in a trailer bike with a Foxy Lady sitting behind him. The identity of the Foxy Lady is not known, although the rumour mill is working on overtime spewing such stories as she is the heiress to the lost city of Atlantis OR that she was single handedly responsible for the destruction of Pompeii AND that she actually is the Venus of Willendorf. Now we don't know the truth behind this, but one must ask the question - what the fuck is Ralph Fiennes doing with a fertility goddess on the back of his trailer bike?